It must be time for another brain dump, since I have been absolutely worthless at getting things done lately.
Well, I gave the old blog a makeover, and a new title. It has been very neglected and I think the cathartic elements that it brings to my life have been missed. So hears hoping that I can be me on my blog again instead of what everyone else thinks I need to be. I am sure that this brain dump is going to bring about all sorts of flack and comments of concern or what not. Just realize that each of you are my friends for a reason, and that doesn't really have anything to do with religion, political views, or the degree of sass I am dishing out. (ok, well maybe that last one does have something to do with it) And if you are family, I'm sorry, you are stuck with me whether you like me or not.
Its 11:30, I should have been a sleep at least an hour ago. 6 is going to come mighty early. My mind is racing and I can't stop thinking of all these things that are just rattling around in side of me. Slowly beating me into submission because I can't seem to ignore them anymore.
I haven't been to church for a very long time now, I have no desire at the moment to go. I feel guilty for abandoning the Young Women but what good is a leader going to do when they don't want to be there? When they are struggling to teach them the very things that they them selves are are tempted with. When they don't know how they feel about it anymore. It's suppose to be easy, being "good". But it's not, I find myself tacking the guilt on to every little thing that I do that isn't okay, or what I am not suppose to be doing but have chosen not to do. I find my self falling into that ever so comfortable place where I become numb, and push the guilt away and just don't care anymore. There are BILLIONS of people in the world that aren't Mormon, that doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't condemn them, but the church seems to have them marked with the scarlet letter, places them on the outs. I don't like that, I don't agree with it. The gospel may be perfect, but we are not. And I continually struggle to watch the way good people are not accepted and loved just because they don't go to church. Technically I am suppose to get my Temple Recommend back this month. But I am just not ready yet.
Ok,moving on, or not, I guess that was what was plaguing me the most. Perhaps if I can get my computer at work to let me, I will post more tomorrow.
7 comments:
You said it hon. A perfect church made up of imperfect people.
But lead by a perfect person....
Been there. It's hard. But you can't care what others think. It's between you and the Lord.
Miss you. Don't judge you. Just miss you. Love ya as you are.
Now get your butt back to church!!! :D I miss your smiling face as you laugh at how pathetic we are in our bench...... and who is going to laugh with me when a certain someone throws a tantrum in the back of the chapel throwing hymnals! Who I tell ya?
Sorry to hear you are struggling. When I struggle I just have to remember that the Lord gives us a lot of reasons to believe then puts one or two stumbling blocks in our way.
Love you!
we all struggle at one time or another. but i love u and want u to come to church so i can see u. haha. come to church!!!
Hmmm. I don't know if I can say what I'm thinking. It's like I can see exactly where you are and why you are there and you can't because you are up to your eyeballs in it. Kind of like you are in the corn maze and I'm standing on top of one of those platforms that allows you to see the whole maze (or a portion of it). It's not because I'm better than you and, good hell, I'm certainly not perfect. But I'm definitely older -- that's got to count for something.
You are reminding me of when I used to sell Brite Music (remember, I'm a VIP in my Family?) I would stand up in front of women and tell them what wonderful mothers they could be and how wonderful their children would be if they had all this wonderful music. And then I'd go home and be the mother from hell. I told my director that I felt like a hypocrite being the mother from hell and selling Brite music and she said, "just imagine how bad a mother you would be if you didn't have Brite music," And she had a point. So I kept selling and I hoped the music would fill in for my weaknesses. (I think it helped a lot)
I think we try to over think things too much. Maybe I'm just too lazy to think that hard. I find it so much easier to just press forward and not get distracted by all the hoopla that surrounds me. I'm really bad at making decisions, so I prefer not to consider too many options. I just keep pressing forward the best I can. Some days are better than others.
If you didn't have a little seed of faith inside of you, you wouldn't even be worrying about this stuff. So that means you have faith. Now take a good strong hold of that faith and take one step forward into the light. That's all, just one step. Don't look back. Look forward. Balance from that step and then take another -- forward. Don't look back (I never really understood the story of that woman who turned into a pillar of salt, but maybe there is an application here?) Cinch up that little bit of faith and take another step forward. Don't look back.
I say this so often that people are probably sick of it, but just in case you've missed it: Faith and fear cannot abide side by side. If you have fear, that means you let go of your faith, but you can grab it again.
Yes, you will be a good person whether or not you have a recommend. And everyone will still love you. No one is judging you more harshly than you are judging yourself. And if by chance they are, tell 'em to mind their own business because NO ONE is perfect. You have no idea what goes on in the homes of the people in this neighborhood (I don't either, in case you were wondering). But I can promise you this -- maybe one in 100 is experiencing even 85 percent bliss and righteousness. Don't look around you -- just look forward. You are loved. Lots. By a lot of people. Everyone just wants you to be happy, and forgive me for saying this, but you don't sound so happy today. Hold on tight to your faith and step forward. That happiness is right in front of you.
Sorry for the novel.
Love Kathy's novel, I mean comment. :D So so true. None of us know what goes on in other peoples homes and quite frankly, I think every once in awhile it would be nice if we all had to wear Scarlett letters so we could all see that we're all actually in the same boat. Even those, yes, even those who self righteously do not want the world to know that their homes get dusty too! And I mean that figuratively. No one is perfect. Why should you expect yourself to be?
Listen to Kathy. Just one foot in front of the other. You can do it. I know you can!!
I know right where you're at, dear friend. I'm in the exact same boat that you're in, even though my trials, temptations and desires(or undesires...if that's a word) are different than yours. I don't even have a calling because I can't have one for another year at least. It's hard. I know. I can't get my temple recommend for another year either. Just take things one day, one minute at a time and remember that you are loved by so many friends and family. You can do it! I know you can! Love you muches!
P.s. I still want to be your friend even if you don't come to church! I think I have the least number of friends in a 20 minute radius than I have ever had in my life! So I need you. Someone to talk to.
And I think the YW learn alot by seeing/knowing other people (besides them) have trials and how to get through them. And it's ok to slip & fall. But to get up again.
And if you want to come to church...specifically for the next 2 weeks (primary program)...we need kids to sing & speak...
And I think it's great that you are waiting for your temple recommend until you are ready. It is a sacred thing & you aren't taking it lightly. Good job!
Sorry that this is almost as long as Kathy's. Just remember. I'm always bored & need someone to talk to...even if I"m reading a book outside. I'd rather be talking than reading. If you can get me to open up. I have a hard time opening up...maybe why I"m lacking in the friend dept....
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