Pumpkin carving...

Last night we carved Pumpkins. It was a lot of fun. The girls did most of it by them selves.
If I would have let them they would have carved their pumpkins to death.


Laira's has 2 faces one on the front and one on the back and a P for pumpkin on the side.

Bailey's has once face with ears and eyebrows. ( she was insistent about the eyebrows)

Xander's has a happy face

Mine has evil eyes and a big smile.

Not too shabby for a makeshift FHE on a Tuesday night.

LIBERATION!

I have been wanting to "edit" my friends list on Facebook for some time. I had exactly 500 friends the other day. I kind of thought, "WOW 500 friends. " I tried to only add people that I have met in person. I then looked over my friends list and saw the smiling faces of relatives, close friends and way to many acquaintances.

" I saw this person in the halls in HS ... 10+ years ago, I don't think we ever talked"

"I went to a party with a friend to this persons house, I've seen them once since and that was 6 years ago"

" I don't even recognize this name at all"

I have the regular 'securities' on my profile where you have to be a friend to be able to see my page. And I HAD met at one time or another EVERY person on my friends list. But what it came down to was I had to ask my self:

When was the last time I've talked to this person?
Did they play an important enough roll in my life to keep them around?
Am I comfortable with them seeing things and pictures I post of me and my children?

So last night I went through and deleted over half of my list, I may have gotten a little click happy and maybe deleted people I could have kept. But I guess if its that important to them the will make it known. But I am worried about offending some people.

SO, if you find that you were deleted, and you are indeed offended. I am truly sorry. Perhaps we could make an effort to keep our friendship up to date and that way we can always be sure we are friends :)

Bravery

Confidence, or being brave are not 2 things I am known for. But I guess that would depend on who you were talking to. I guess in some peoples eyes I am very brave. But because I am the one who lives inside this head of mine, I know all of the things that i don't do because of this or that. I see all of the opportunities pass by because I don't have the confidence to follow it through. its interesting to me that I can feel comfortable jabbing a needle in someones arm or teaching someone else how to do it. But when it comes to trying to meet someone new, or seeing old friends I freeze up, worry about what they will think of me.

I have people ask me "How can someone like you not have confidence, you have confidence" or my personal favorite "The you that I know has all the confidence in the world." and then when I say. "My eternal companion walked out on me and my beautiful children for something better." They start to see a small reason why when he walked out that door, he packed up all the confidence I had and took it with him. Now I have a problem with that, I don't think its fair that he got to take that with him, and you see I've spent the last 6 years trying to get it back. I get pieces here and there and I am slowly working my way back to where I use to be. But at the same time, its so much easier to lose again. Just one bad date, a bad breakup, even a rotten conversation with the wasband and it starts to disappear.

I have wonderful, amazing friends who tell me all the things you are suppose to tell friends to boost them up and make them feel better. I don't write this post for comments full of praise and compliments. I write this because today I chose to act and not hide. And that my friends is a BIG DEAL.

Laira

I have a hard time thinking about this post with out getting emotional. All my life all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I was always holding someones baby, and I just ached to have one of my own. When I got married we talked about waiting for a year, we even agreed upon it. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was over joyed. And even amidst the sickness and constant uncomfortableness that came with pregnancy I couldn't wait to hold my baby.

The labor was hard, exhausting and quite scary at the end. But when she was finally born there was so much joy. She was beautiful. I remember that her Dad couldn't seem to put her down. We were so proud of her. Things weren't always easy with Reflux and lots of crying, but we got through it. Laira's giggle could light up a room and it often did.

When things with our family changed drastically, I am sad to say that there is so much I can't remember about her toddlerhood. But I know she was full of life and always happy amidst the chaos and rampant emotions of her parents.

Laira is so beautiful. She is learning to love her freckles, we've told her that she has a freckle for everyone who loves her. Everyone who meets her is enchanted by her vivacious but gentle spirit. She is smart, and loves to learn. She loves to help her sister and cousin. She is always ready to do me a favor or help with the jobs around the house.

Laira loves to sing, she can often be heard singing her favorite primary songs.

I love her more than words could express. And I couldn't imagine my life with out my dear sweet Laira-loo

7 YEARS OLD!

Laira turned 7 today, and yesterday we had a party. Laira wanted a Halloween themed party so we made some cute invitations and she got to invite a few friends over.

We had planned on carving pumpkins, eating and watching a movie but things got rearranged a bit. We watched the movie while we waited for everyone to get there, then we ate and then did presents and cake. We scratched the pumpkins. But Everyone seemed to have a great time.

We made homemade Root Beer it was a lot of fun. I mixed it all together and then gave some to Laira and she seemed disappointed that it wasn't "right" I told her "hmmm maybe this will help" and we put the dry ice in. Her eyes were huge and she was so excited that we made "witches brew" it was truly a highlight of the night.

Laira received some wonderful gifts from her friends and family. Thank You so much for your generosity. I think that the party was a hit and that she was happy.

Laira got a birthday package from her Grandma and Grandpa yesterday. She LOVES sea shells, and thinks that her Cat hat is pretty special and wears it all the time. Needless to say I think she is very happy. She loves her "Arizona Family" as she calls them very very much.

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa !!

My Grandma's Book

Any of my siblings and most of my Darrington cousins will recognize this book. My Grandma use to read us stories out of this book, voices and all. it is one of my most cherished memories of her.




My Grandma's copy of this book is well used, and literally falling apart and is in pieces. I decided to look online and see if I could find another copy of it. To my surprise I found one for 11.00 and it is in GREAT condition.



My girls are in absolute awe of the beautiful illustrations and are already loving the stories that are new. My favorite is "The 12 Dancing Princesses" and my girls are loving it too. I am ecstatic that I was able to find the book so that I can continue the tradition with my girls.

Today would have been my 8 year anniversary.

Now I started to let this pull me down into that dark corner of my self. Do you ever have moments where you feel like that scene in Lord of the Rings where Smegol and Gollum are arguing with each other but really its just an inward battle?

I had one of those myself today, and this is sorta how it went.

Smegol: Wow it has been 8 years

Gollum: Yes and 6 of those years have been lonely and terrible

S: Not everything has been terrible, there have been a lot of great times mixed in with the bad, its the balance of life.

G: Your life didn't have to be like this, he is the one who chose to leave, to break up the family. He deserves the unhappiness and you deserve to be the one in a fulfilling relationship.

S: Its not my place to wish unhappiness on anyone, My time just hasn't come yet.

There is a lot more that could be said but really I chose to take the good road. The one that is far less traveled by myself. I spent some quality time with my chickadees and listened to my "feel good" playlist on iTunes and it did indeed make me feel good.

I am happy, I am progressing and I do know that in the Lords time things will happen the way they are meant to. Until then I will continue to try to take the good road until it's the far more traveled.

And for you my friends some of my feel good music!



I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mindy Gledhill, not cause she is a friend of mine but because her music is so powerful.

October 5, 2001

8 years ago today I was finalizing last minute plans for my Wedding.

Today I am able to look back on my marriage with happy memories. I like to find those little memories and smile about them. I really should start writing them down for my kids. They love to hear stories about when they were little, especially stories with their Dad included.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I hope that if I get married again that I can use those lessons to cultivate a strong and happy marriage.

Motherhood

Today I learned 2 different bits of information that my brain was just having a hard time absorbing.

First my Dad and I were talking about Samoa and the Tsunami. He told me about a lady who's kids were playing on the beach and she stood there and watched helplessly as they were swept out to sea.

The next was the news that my old roommates niece passed away today from cancer. she was 9 and I don't think she even made it a year after they found it.

There are a lot of times that I sit and think about how easy my life would be if I didn't have the girls, if I didn't get married. If I would have done things better and been able to go on a mission, or have a college degree in something. I have learned that playing the coulda woulda shoulda game gets me nowhere but sad .

When I heard the first story I saw the terrified faces of my children in the ocean being pulled away from me.. and I cried. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I knew I love my children more than anything in the world.

When I read my friends blog and read that her niece had passed away I cried again. Her poor poor family. It made me think about how Laira is almost 7 and what would I do if I knew she would be diagnosed with cancer at 9 and be gone before she hit 10? TIME is so short even when we live long and healthy lives. We never know when the wrinkles are going to show up and make that time go faster.

So I learned 2 very important lessons about Motherhood today.

1- I love my children , I need to show them that I do more often.

2- I don't know what the future holds so I better make every second count.


So now instead of playing the coulda woulda shoulda game I am going to be greatful for everything that I have. Especially the 2 little girls that God has trusted me to raise. I am going to be grateful for all the lessons my trials and hardships have brought me. I am going to learn from my mistakes so that I don't keep tripping on my own shoes. I am going to tell the people who mean a lot to me what they mean to me and how they have made my life better. I am not going to let a second go by where I am not grateful to be where I am.