Brain Dump

It must be time for another brain dump, since I have been absolutely worthless at getting things done lately.

Well, I gave the old blog a makeover, and a new title. It has been very neglected and I think the cathartic elements that it brings to my life have been missed. So hears hoping that I can be me on my blog again instead of what everyone else thinks I need to be. I am sure that this brain dump is going to bring about all sorts of flack and comments of concern or what not. Just realize that each of you are my friends for a reason, and that doesn't really have anything to do with religion, political views, or the degree of sass I am dishing out. (ok, well maybe that last one does have something to do with it) And if you are family, I'm sorry, you are stuck with me whether you like me or not.

Its 11:30, I should have been a sleep at least an hour ago. 6 is going to come mighty early. My mind is racing and I can't stop thinking of all these things that are just rattling around in side of me. Slowly beating me into submission because I can't seem to ignore them anymore.

I haven't been to church for a very long time now, I have no desire at the moment to go. I feel guilty for abandoning the Young Women but what good is a leader going to do when they don't want to be there? When they are struggling to teach them the very things that they them selves are are tempted with. When they don't know how they feel about it anymore. It's suppose to be easy, being "good". But it's not, I find myself tacking the guilt on to every little thing that I do that isn't okay, or what I am not suppose to be doing but have chosen not to do. I find my self falling into that ever so comfortable place where I become numb, and push the guilt away and just don't care anymore. There are BILLIONS of people in the world that aren't Mormon, that doesn't make them bad people. It doesn't condemn them, but the church seems to have them marked with the scarlet letter, places them on the outs. I don't like that, I don't agree with it. The gospel may be perfect, but we are not. And I continually struggle to watch the way good people are not accepted and loved just because they don't go to church.  Technically I am suppose to get my Temple Recommend back this month. But I am just not ready yet.


Ok,moving on, or not, I guess that was what was plaguing me the most. Perhaps if I can get my computer at work to let me, I will post more tomorrow.