*** Warning*** some of this may not make sense to anyone but me

In my last post I talk about a dilemma. In this post I am going to talk about some fears or reservations that I have. I've made the decision to go to Arizona this weekend to take the girls to visit my ex's family. Now I know that there are people out there that tell me that I am crazy and that is my ex's responsibility. But unfortunately my ex is more comfortable pretending that they don't exist to do that. My girls have strong bonds with his family and so did I . Some things happened to burn bridges and we are taking steps to try to rebuild them. I feel it is important for my girls to know that his family loves them and want to be involved in their lives even though he doesn't.

Now.. knowing this tell my why I am having reservations and fears about going down there for a week. Its because I am scared that things will turn sour again, even though they have proved to me that things are good. It still unsettles my stomach. I think another reason is thinking about making the trip alone. I just have alot more tendency to have anxiety over things than I use to. I know we will have a great time. I know the girls are dying to see the family down there and since my grandma died its been hard to take people for granted. My ex has some amazing people in his family. His grandparents live down with his parents and I miss them dearly. It will be great to see them.

The person I am most scared to see is my ex FIL when I lived with them we broke down alot of walls that were present during my marriage and I thought we became pretty good friends. We had so great heart to hearts and I gained a great respect for him. At times I wish I had him to talk to about things because he sees things so completely different from me that he forces me to look at things differently. He also encouraged me to "figure out what I want and make it happen" I will never forget that. When things happened he said some things that hurt my to the core. and the last time I saw him he wouldn't even look me in the eye. now in all honesty.. he terrifies me.

There are 2 people I miss more than anything else. my ex SIL and my ex Mother in Law. I can't wait to see them!

So there they are.. my fears, some unfounded some not.

Dilema

So I have come to face a dilema, and its sorta a sit and wait one for now. But anyways. I am not getting the hours that I want at my job. I have asked since I started at the hospital for full time hours. Everytime my boss tells me that she will give me a holler when she has the hours to give. Well there have been several rounds of people hired and working full time and she hasn't offered me the hours. And when ever I remind her she tells me that she just hired people and so she doesn't have the hours to give yet again.

Well I have asked for some changes and because I am not in school none of my "requests" will be honored becuase those who are in school take precedence. I don't want to grumble about it but it really makes me feel worthless, like nothing I do at work is good enough to be able to request what I would like at work. I have emailed my boss this weekend trying to get somethings resolved and hopefully it will work out.

Now here comes the other side. There is a position available in the Peds department for a HUC (Secretary) from 5 to 11:30 pm I am guessing 5 nights a week because its full time. Now this would be great because It wouldn't kill my sleeping habits. Its full time hours and its getting my "foot in the door" to peds. The only things that are bad about it is leaving my friends on my floor now and that I wouldn't be doing patient care its a clerical job.

So now I have to really sit and think about it. Everyone I have talked to told me that I should just apply and I can tell them no later if they offer me the job and I chose to stay where I am . But I don't know what to do. I don't like change because it is so uncertain. And I could just enroll into school this fall and then my wants and needs would have to be taken into account also. uggg I really don't know what to do .

Girls Hair cuts!

now if I were good at taking pictures I would have had an after shot of my Laira and a Before shot of Bailey.. but alas I don't. My girls love going to see Emily, she gives them the royal treatment when they get their hair cut.

Emily is getting married tomorrow , I will post pics from that happy occasion when I have some! We love you Em.

Our not so welcomed neighbors

Part of living right next to the river is dealing with some of the unpleasant things that come with the wonderful babbling waters. Some of those things are worse than others. Like I don't even notice the dead fish smell unless I move away and come back after a while. The hoards of mosquitoes are awful though. But the one that my girls dislike the most are the harmless Gardner snakes. The are out in abundance this time of year and that means my girls are even more scared to go outside by them selves.

Yesterday they were outside and they had been playing out there for at least an hour. I was doing something in the kitchen when I heard them both hysterically crying. So I went out side and they are both in the middle of my Dad's flower bed on the 2 big boulders just sobbing. So I asked what happened and they both choke out. "A snake" of course I am laughing because it doesn't matter how much we tell them they are harmless, or point out that when you get close the snake runs away. they are still scared. Now I am not heartless.. I am not a big fan of snakes my self but they are just part of where we live and they don't hurt anything. Now if it were an Anaconda then we would have a problem. I did a quick scan of the grass and told them the coast was clear and they booked it up to the deck to freedom. and now they won't go outside.. hence the bikes.. they needed a little coaxing.

I love my little drama queens

Big Surprises!

I think that the pictures speak for them selves.. I just have to say that I love DI and spent 9.00 total! the training wheels cost more than the bikes!

Sealing

Good times were had by all

Tag... I'm it!

All about me -- Alphabetically!

A. ATTACHED OR SINGLE? Single.. but hopefully not for too much longer.

B. BEST FRIEND? I have a couple ..Maureen, Vaudene, and Katie

C. CAKE OR PIE? Pie.. I am all about the fruit.

D. DAY OF CHOICE? They all blend together now that I work nights so no idea.

E. ESSENTIAL ITEMS? Contacts, Books, Music

F. FAVORITE COLORS? It all depends on the mood I am in and what the color is being used for.

G. GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS? anything gummy.. I like the gummies

H. HOMETOWN? Provo .. boring

I. INDULGENCE? Ruby Red Squirt, Sweet carbs, books

J. JANUARY OR JULY? Born in January but hate the cold.. so I am going to say JULY!

K. KIDS? Laira 5 1/2 Bailey ALMOST 4 and according to laira 100 more

L. LIFE ISN'T COMPLETE WITHOUT? Love and relationships

M. MARRIAGE DATE? it was Oct 5,2001 and the end date.. Aug 3,2003

N. NUMBER OF BROTHERS AND SISTERS? 1 sis and 2 bro's

O. ORANGES OR APPLES. apples..mmmmm

P. PHOBIAS OR FEARS? Thunder and lightning, Being left..

Q. QUOTE "Life is like an onion.. you peel it one layer at a time and sometimes you cry"

R. REASON TO SMILE My Kids they always say something that makes me laugh, and when my friends call

S. SUPERMAN OR WONDER WOMAN? Batman

T. TAG 5 PEOPLE: Amber, Tiffany, Megan, Katie (I know you don't have a blog email me) and Stefanie

U. UNKNOWN FACT ABOUT ME: I can bend my fingers all the way back.

V. VEGETABLES? yes please

W. WORST HABIT? thinking that people don't like me and are talking bad about me.

X. X-RAY OR ULTRASOUND? Ultrasound.. they are facinating

Y. YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? Yogurt, Fruit

Z. ZODIAC SIGN? Capricorn.. its a goat

In loving memory of my wonderful Grandma

Ora Egbert Darrington
Ora Egbert DarringtonSept. 3, 1921 ~ May 6, 2008

Together AgainOra Egbert Darrington, our beloved mother, grandmother, aunt and friend, passed away peacefully on May 6th, 2008.She was born September 3rd, 1921 to Marion Francis and Xenia LaVere Egbert in Oakley, Idaho.She was raised in Murtaugh, Idaho along with 1 brother and 4 sisters. She received her formal education at Albion State Normal.

While teaching at Declo Elementary she met her eternal companion Melvin Boyd Darrington. They were married May 19, 1943 in the S.L.C. Temple. To this union were born 1 daughter and 6 sons. Ora raised her family to work hard, laugh hard and play hard.Ora was well known for her beautiful garden and flowers. She enjoyed flower arranging, walking, listening to classical music, hiking with her grandchildren to the trip trap bridge, and watching BYU sports. She loved attending any function that involved her children and grandchildren.

The gospel of Jesus Christ was very important to Ora and she instilled a love of the gospel in each of her children. She served faithfully in many callings including R.S. President, Temple Ordinance worker and Primary Chorister. She served a mission with her loving husband to Winnie, Texas.

Ora is survived by her daughter Karen Powers, her sons and their wives: Melvin and Sandy, Larry, Karl and Marilyn, Kenny and Cheryl, Jim and Diana, and Max and Amy. She is also survived by 34 grandchildren and 43 great-grandchildren.She was preceded in death by her loving husband Melvin and a son-in-law Dale Powers.

Services will be held on Friday, May 9, 2008 at 10:00 AM in the Oak Hills Stake Center, 925 East North Temple, Provo, UT. Friends and family may call on Thursday, May 8th, from 6 to 8 pm at the Walker Family Mortuary, 85 East 300 South, Provo, and Friday from 9 to 9:45 prior to the services.Condolences may be sent to the family at www.walkerfamilymortuary.com Published in the Daily Herald on 5/7/2008.

I have some very special memories of my Grandma. Perhaps on a day when I have more time I will share some of them with you.

The Host

This is what I am reading. I will let you know how I like it when I am done!
If you want to read it too it just came out today.. pick up a copy for your self.

My Trip

My trip was AMAZING! Even with the drama that ensued I had a great time. I flew into LAX and was really nervous since this was only my third time really flying, and my first time flying alone. I found the rental car pickup spot with little help and was off to the rental company. When I got there they told me that it was going to be double what they quoted me because I had to purchase their insurance. I was kinda stuck there with no way to get anywhere else that I just ate it.

Then I headed out on the 405 , at 4:30 on a Friday after noon

and yes.. that picture shows how traffic was the whole 45 miles I drove. I found the stake center easily enough I am glad that I am pretty good with directions which really helped out. I called my Roomies and they were at the hotel which I hadn't had directions to. They said they were coming so I just waited.. after an hour they still weren't there so I just went inside. I got some food and sat at and empty table and some really nice guys came and sat with me and we chatted and enjoyed our meal. My friends eventually showed up and we had fun hanging out, dancing and even speed dating. It was pretty lame until I just started making up names for my self.

That night we went to one of V's friends apartments and sat in the hot tub. That was fun until some drunk people showed up and crashed our party by smoking and getting naked. We left and went home to bed. We got about 2 hours of sleep before we had to get up and get to the service project It was earth day so they had planned for us to clean up the beach. we were so late that by the time we got there the beach was pretty much clean. We didn't stay there for too long. After that we headed to a stake center for a devotional. It was very wonderful. We had lunch and then headed to go surfing. The surfing was so much fun. It was a beautiful day and they had it planned out very well. They had maybe 10 guys who served as instructors for us surfing retarded. They guy that helped me was really sweet and very patient. then he blurted out once that he wasn't Mormon and I just laughed at him and told him.. So? I don't have any pictures of my surfing because I was in the water having a great time. I got beat up by the waves and didn't see one shark. I was a little nervous since the day before a mad had been bit and killed on a beach in San Diego.

After surfing we went back to our hotel and showered and got ready to go to dinner. we ended up eating at some BBQ place and I had ribs for the first time.. they were scrumptious! We then went the the stake center for another dance and some went and speed dated again.. I didn't I was sorta danced out and just wanted to sleep. We went to Ihop that night and had a great time. (oh how I miss my pals)

Sunday there were some wonderful speakers and a great lunch. There was a musical fireside and then the conference was over. I was tired.

The next morning I got up and got ready and went to Disneyland. I rode some rides that I hadn't ever before. I really enjoyed Space Mountain. I got soaked on Splash Mountain and love the Indiana Jones ride. Pirates of the Caribbean is always a favorite. I didn't see or take any pictures with and Princesses like I wanted to for the girls. But I did see Gepetto, The Mad Hatter, The Queen of Hearts and Tigger. I got some great souvenirs for the kids and had a great flight home. Now I just have to get back into the swing of things.

All my LOVE!!

Out of town

Well my friends.. I am going on a VACATION.. this never happens for me.

I will have lots of pictures and stories to share when I get back...woohoo!!

Betrayed?

I received an email from my ex husband.. nothing he said in it bothered me until I read this line.

"no i dont read your blog! i dont want to! we happen to have some common friends that inform me when there are things pertaining to me in there."

Now.. Part of me wants to believe that I am secure enough with my self to not care if someone is "betraying" my friendship and letting him know the inner most thoughts of my head. That I chose to share with my friends. And at the same time, If I wanted him to know how I felt about certain things I would write to him and let him know my self. I would invite him to read my blog myself.

It saddens me a great deal to not feel like I can even speak my mind on my own blog.

Scott and Emily Engagements

I did this wonderful session with my wonderful friend EMILY!! here are just a few of my favorites!

New Toy

I bought a new camera.. I am still in shock about spending that kind of money but I am sure it will come in handy.

Hopefully I will have lots of new pictures to share.

Horton hears a Who

I took the girls to see "Horton hears a Who" the other night with my friend Sethany and her Husband. The girls were really into the movie. There is a part where it shows where the "bad guy" lives and Laira said "that is the scariest place ever" then there was a part where Horton was running away form the bad guy and he says "I know he is going to pop out somewhere" and the bad guy pops out and says "BOO!" Apparently it really scared Laira because she screamed quite loudly at that part. I was laughing so hard for quite a while after that.

They both really liked the movie and I thought it was great!

My little Bailey

Bailey is quite a silly goose. She is always saying very funny things, taking everyone off guard. On Tuesday of last week she had "the runs" she had it so bad that I had to put a Diaper on her because she wasn't making it to the potty. One of the times she was sitting there on the potty and I heard her say to her self in a very sad voice "Oh Tartar Sauce!" ( if you don't know, that is what Spongebob says instead of something like "oh darn it" )

Later that night after dinner I was telling the girls that they needed to get into the bath. and Bailey said "Oh .. because my butt leaked?" She said it with a total strait face. My Dad and I were laughing so hard.

I am behind..

I have some fun stuff to post about .. I will try to do it tomorrow.. :)

My Blog will be going private tomorrow.. if you want to be allowed then either comment with your email address or email me at Saigers@gmail.com with it so you can still read my blog.

Emotions

A couple of weeks ago I had court to work out some child support issues with my Ex. Now my life isn't perfect but its okay for now. I am still lonely but I have a great job, some WONDERFUL new friends and 2 beautiful little girls that keep me going whether I want to or not. Well I was sitting in the court room waiting for someone to show up that I knew, Either my ex or the attorney working on our case. Well I was starting to get nervous that He wasn't going to show and he walked in. And I had to do everything I could to keep my chin from hitting the floor. I have NEVER seen him look so aweful. He had gained alot of weight in a short amount of time and looked like he hadn't shaved in a week. His hair was long and his clothes were ok but not up to his usual standards. Now I don't want to sound rude but it made me feel good for once to have some sort of an upper hand. I was the one on top of life at the time. I was the one who looked like they had it all pulled together for once. I think that this didn't effect me so much because I went with the determination to not let him effect me.

I "ran" into my ex at the movie theaters the other day and he was with his girlfriend. I didn't really even look at him or talk to him but it freaked me out . And I hate that it does, I know I don't love him anymore but it still effects me. I feel that when I have time to prepare myself to see him or interact that I handle it well but its the surprises that really send me reeling. A friend of mine who is also divorced told me that he will effect me for the rest of my life. Case in point...

He has a myspace page and every so often when the girls are crying for him or something we look at the pictures and it seems to appease them. Well tonight when I looked something was different the picture of him and his Girlfriend was missing. I looked closer and he is now listed as single. A whole rush of emotions came over me. None really what I wanted. I would love to have been able to feel nothing. Or even feel sad for him that yet another relationship had failed. What I felt instead was some sort of sick excitement and some thing like my hopes of him being miserable had succeeded. I don't want to be the a person who is constantly wishing ill fortune upon others. And I hate that I am still somewhat bitter about how things go for him. I think its going to take a lot of work to be able to push emotions aside and genuinely wish for him to be happy. I think the first step is finally being happy and content with my own life and how things are for me. I think the bitterness comes from STILL not being happy and him seeming to be.

I guess what it all comes down to is that I know what I need to do to be happy and for some reason I just cant bring my self to do it. Its not like living the gospel is that hard. Its not like going to church is such a sacrifice.

anyways I just had a lot floating around in my head and needed to get it out.

sleep.. whats that?

I just worked a full 12 hour shift at work .. came home slept for 3 hours and am now a walking zombie taking care of my kids. I also have to work again tonight but only a half shift. Only 3 more of these crazy shifts then I will have them on nights my parents can help with the girls.

I think I am going to try and sleep now.