Little pieces of heaven

The case of the missing wallet

image from Tutela which is now bookmarked for their cute things.

I baby sat for my wonderful friend Carrilyne last night. We had a fun time playing at her house with her amazingly adorable children. When we were heading home I got into the car and noticed my purse was tipped over, so I reached over and picked it up. I noticed that my wallet wasn't inside. I didn't panic at first, but then later as I sat in my room thinking about where it could be I started to worry. Usually when it falls out of my purse its not far, just on the floor by it. But I didn't see it. Perhaps it had fallen out and then somehow made its way under the seat. But it was late and far to cold to go look in the car for it right then. But I was worried.

The day before my sweet and wonderful Dad took my car and my chickadees to the store to buy me a Christmas present. My purse was in the car on the passenger side floor, if I would have thought about it before he left I would have taken my purse out. But I didn't think about it until he was gone. And now my wallet was missing and I was worried that it had been taken while my Dad had the car. I knew he wouldn't have been okay with that, he would feel terrible. I would have felt terrible that he felt terrible. It would have been a bad, sad day.

So I started to make a list of all the things that were in my wallet.

• Drivers License
  
• Debit Card
• Horizon Card
• Paypal Credit Card
• Checkbook
  
• SS cards for me and the girls
  
• 2 new books of stamps
• other random cards
• some pictures
• Christmas receips

Needless to say most people carry their lives in their wallets and then I started to think about all the work it would be to get all of those things replaced. It was not something I looked forward to. I also thought about how maybe some kind soul would find it and try to return it. And I remembered that the address on my Drivers License is not where I live now so that wouldn't work. I was really starting to get upset.

So first thing this morning, in my PJ's I dawned my boots and coat and went out to the car, I looked in my purse. No wallet. I picked up my purse to move it, it seems abnormally heavy for not containing my wallet. Then I noticed a small pocket was bulging as I unzipped it, there was my wallet. My sweet Dad must have put it in there to keep it safe. Disaster averted. Happy Day!

Reason I need a Husband #225

Getting high-centered on a block of ice at midnight after girls night.


Thank You to Jared for coming to my rescue and only teasing me about it a little bit.

Christmas Home Evening.

Tonight we had a Christmas home evening. I read the kids a book about a mouse named Mortimer. Then as my Dad read the Christmas story out of the Bible the kids colored each person in the Nativity scene as they were mentioned. After talking a little more about Jesus' birth we turned our pictures into a countdown chain.

It was a great night.

I am so thankful for my family and the wonderful things they do to show me they love me. I am so thankful for this time of year and the wonderful spirit that joins us. I am Thankful for WONDERFUL friends who stand by me and listen to my whining and still love me.

We wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS and as Bailey sings all the time.. Remember that JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.

Landon

Want to see more of this little guy?
Head over to my Photography blog!

Christmas Time

We decided to make some cookies.
Surrounded by those we love,
enjoying each others company,
and some cookies too.
Merry Christmas to you.

500 Days of Summer

I just finished watching the movie '500 Days of Summer'

I think I would have liked it more if I wasn't able to so easily identify with the male character. He believes, in the beginning of the movie all about true love, soul mates and all the sugar and spice that goes with it. As his 'relationship' fails he evolves into the cynical person who doesn't believe in much of anything any more. He finally take the steps to try and move on, but was still finding him self held up by memories and thoughts of her. Forever changed by the experience he continues to question his belief in love. But he kept moving, trying, living.

Having walked this path before, sadly more than once, it was nice to know that I am at the crest of my climb to independence and acceptance of my life the way that it is. That I know that there will still be twists and turns and bumps in the road but HOPEFULLY life gets easier from here on out.

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I want to apologize to those of you who read my blog. I am sure its not that exciting and doesn't really offer anything of value. But it does give me a place where I can get my thoughts and feelings out. And if you are so willing your feedback (which is most welcome)

I read somewhere about the plethora of blogs out there that are nothing but fluff. I may be a fluff blog, but its my blog and its a place where I can be me and not worry about it. Or try not to anyways.

Thanks to those who read, and thanks to those who comment. It's nice to know that there are people there who support and care about what I think and say.

Love Songs

I am in bed, my iPod is streaming quiet melodies in my ears. I do this sometimes to unwind from a hard day. Tonight is no different, except I was stuck with an overwhelming urge to write. So now here I am, unwinding in another sense.

I love music. I have a quote in my Journal that says:

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
-Berthold Auerbach

There are days that I just have to hear certain things to get me through the day, I have my favorites that I could listen to every day and others that I get a hankering for every once in a while. I love music, another quote that I've come across is Music is what feelings sound like. I loved that, because I have always felt that music can convey things that words alone can't always do.

A few minutes ago my iPod shuffled to a Jason Mraz song. As I listened to the words of this love song I was struck, more like punched by my abrupt realization of loneliness. I listen to these love songs and I just crave someone to love. I am overflowing with this love that I just want to give to someone. Its not the kind of love that I can give to my parents, siblings, children or friends. Its a special kind, that is just waiting, fermenting its self to greatness. But alas, there is no one to give this greatness to. I am going to continue to be patient and prayerful.

In Gods time, not mine.

So for now I will go on listening to all the love songs, adding favorites to my list, and waiting for my someone to sing them to, and share my love with.

Get a life week- Day 1

Sunday afternoon the girls and I had a talk about our "Get a life week" they were still both excited. We decided to make a list of all the things we could do instead of watching TV. The girls had fun with it and seemed excited to come up with possibilities. With our list in hand we were resolved to do our best to refrain from TV and video games.



Monday morning greeted us by me waking Laira up and realizing she was burning up. Most of you that know me well know that Bailey is the one who gets sick, not Laira. We often tease her that she has super immunities cause she never seems to get sick. Well today she wasn't feeling well. She had a low grade fever, and a lot of congestion. I told her she was going to have to stay home from school until we found out for sure what she had. I had to leave for school but let her know we would be going to the Doctor later that day. She was home most of the day, and she got bored.

Well long story short. The girls watched some TV today. Do I feel bad? yes, cause they wanted to badly to do it. BUT we didn't watch anything for the rest of the day, so we decided to start again. We are going to do the best we can.

I was challenged, I accepted. Now I offer you the same challenge.

It is going to be hard, yes.. but oh so worth it. I've talked to the girls about it and so far they seem to be in, but I don't think they quite get it. We are going to review tonight before we go to bed. The other difficulty we could run into is that Xander is probably not going to join our challenge and therefore there will be TV on ... a lot..... So I am going to have to give them both some leeway on that.

ANYWAYS! Please join us, and I am sure you will surprise yourself with what you can accomplish and also your creativity in entertaining yourself and your children.

GOOD LUCK!

Brain Dump

Its been a while since I have done a "brain dump" post, this is where I dump a bunch of things that are floating around in my head out on my blog. There really isn't a point to it other than hopefully getting it out of my head.

I recently read a blog that talked about other peoples blogs, how some of them are full of faux perfection, some are full of fluff and some have real thought provoking themes. I would like to think that mine is one of the latter but I truly fear that it is a fluff blog, Full of nonsense that doesn't mean anything to anyone. Does it make me wonder about my posts, you betcha. Should I really care what others thing about my blog? Probably not. But lets face it, people care what others think.

My 'birdie' finger hurts. Yesterday I was shutting the back of my Jeep and the nail snapped down into the pink part of my nail. I tried to put a band aid on it so it could grow out enough to clip it off with out it hurting but that wasn't going to work. So I clipped it off, sorta. it still has a little flap of that really sensitive skin and I forget it hurts and then use it for something and then it throbs for a while..... that is all about that.

Today is my ex-husbands 30th Birthday.

Girls Craft Night, this is a new addition to my Thursday nights and I have to say I LOVE IT! I love being able to hang out and talk with the Ladies that I am lucky enough to call my friends, while completing various projects. I love getting to know each of them better and having a chance to get out of the house.

Thanksgiving is stressing me out.

I love helping at the school. I have been able to go help our Librarian and others on the PTA accomplish tasks. And I have really enjoyed getting to spend time with old friends I don't get to see near enough and have been able to meet new people.

I am in DIRE need to a visit to my wonderful friend and HAIR GENIUS Emily. I am really hoping to get in there soon. I am ready for something new with my hair, and even though I know she wants to chop it all off I trust her and know she will help me feel great about my hair no matter what I chose to do with it.

Well that is it for this edition of Brain Dump. Join us next time when we will talk about more things that float around in Denae's head.

Halloween

The school had a Costume Parade. So I went and took some pictures of the girls. Bailey's class stopped at the end and so I ran over and snatched a picture of her. But Laira's class zoomed right though the gym, and she wouldn't even look at me.



Yesterday we had a long and full day. We went Trick or Treating in down town Provo with most of my local cousins. Its something we've done for a long time and the kids enjoy it. After we were done there they went with their Dad and went Trick or Treating some more, he brought them back and we went around our block and then to a friends house to relax and enjoy some good company. Laira was still running on high gear, but Bailey was ready to crash. So we came home and went to bed. All in all it was a great day, the girls had a blast and have enough candy to last until next Halloween.

Pumpkin carving...

Last night we carved Pumpkins. It was a lot of fun. The girls did most of it by them selves.
If I would have let them they would have carved their pumpkins to death.


Laira's has 2 faces one on the front and one on the back and a P for pumpkin on the side.

Bailey's has once face with ears and eyebrows. ( she was insistent about the eyebrows)

Xander's has a happy face

Mine has evil eyes and a big smile.

Not too shabby for a makeshift FHE on a Tuesday night.

LIBERATION!

I have been wanting to "edit" my friends list on Facebook for some time. I had exactly 500 friends the other day. I kind of thought, "WOW 500 friends. " I tried to only add people that I have met in person. I then looked over my friends list and saw the smiling faces of relatives, close friends and way to many acquaintances.

" I saw this person in the halls in HS ... 10+ years ago, I don't think we ever talked"

"I went to a party with a friend to this persons house, I've seen them once since and that was 6 years ago"

" I don't even recognize this name at all"

I have the regular 'securities' on my profile where you have to be a friend to be able to see my page. And I HAD met at one time or another EVERY person on my friends list. But what it came down to was I had to ask my self:

When was the last time I've talked to this person?
Did they play an important enough roll in my life to keep them around?
Am I comfortable with them seeing things and pictures I post of me and my children?

So last night I went through and deleted over half of my list, I may have gotten a little click happy and maybe deleted people I could have kept. But I guess if its that important to them the will make it known. But I am worried about offending some people.

SO, if you find that you were deleted, and you are indeed offended. I am truly sorry. Perhaps we could make an effort to keep our friendship up to date and that way we can always be sure we are friends :)

Bravery

Confidence, or being brave are not 2 things I am known for. But I guess that would depend on who you were talking to. I guess in some peoples eyes I am very brave. But because I am the one who lives inside this head of mine, I know all of the things that i don't do because of this or that. I see all of the opportunities pass by because I don't have the confidence to follow it through. its interesting to me that I can feel comfortable jabbing a needle in someones arm or teaching someone else how to do it. But when it comes to trying to meet someone new, or seeing old friends I freeze up, worry about what they will think of me.

I have people ask me "How can someone like you not have confidence, you have confidence" or my personal favorite "The you that I know has all the confidence in the world." and then when I say. "My eternal companion walked out on me and my beautiful children for something better." They start to see a small reason why when he walked out that door, he packed up all the confidence I had and took it with him. Now I have a problem with that, I don't think its fair that he got to take that with him, and you see I've spent the last 6 years trying to get it back. I get pieces here and there and I am slowly working my way back to where I use to be. But at the same time, its so much easier to lose again. Just one bad date, a bad breakup, even a rotten conversation with the wasband and it starts to disappear.

I have wonderful, amazing friends who tell me all the things you are suppose to tell friends to boost them up and make them feel better. I don't write this post for comments full of praise and compliments. I write this because today I chose to act and not hide. And that my friends is a BIG DEAL.

Laira

I have a hard time thinking about this post with out getting emotional. All my life all I ever wanted to be was a mother. I was always holding someones baby, and I just ached to have one of my own. When I got married we talked about waiting for a year, we even agreed upon it. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I was over joyed. And even amidst the sickness and constant uncomfortableness that came with pregnancy I couldn't wait to hold my baby.

The labor was hard, exhausting and quite scary at the end. But when she was finally born there was so much joy. She was beautiful. I remember that her Dad couldn't seem to put her down. We were so proud of her. Things weren't always easy with Reflux and lots of crying, but we got through it. Laira's giggle could light up a room and it often did.

When things with our family changed drastically, I am sad to say that there is so much I can't remember about her toddlerhood. But I know she was full of life and always happy amidst the chaos and rampant emotions of her parents.

Laira is so beautiful. She is learning to love her freckles, we've told her that she has a freckle for everyone who loves her. Everyone who meets her is enchanted by her vivacious but gentle spirit. She is smart, and loves to learn. She loves to help her sister and cousin. She is always ready to do me a favor or help with the jobs around the house.

Laira loves to sing, she can often be heard singing her favorite primary songs.

I love her more than words could express. And I couldn't imagine my life with out my dear sweet Laira-loo

7 YEARS OLD!

Laira turned 7 today, and yesterday we had a party. Laira wanted a Halloween themed party so we made some cute invitations and she got to invite a few friends over.

We had planned on carving pumpkins, eating and watching a movie but things got rearranged a bit. We watched the movie while we waited for everyone to get there, then we ate and then did presents and cake. We scratched the pumpkins. But Everyone seemed to have a great time.

We made homemade Root Beer it was a lot of fun. I mixed it all together and then gave some to Laira and she seemed disappointed that it wasn't "right" I told her "hmmm maybe this will help" and we put the dry ice in. Her eyes were huge and she was so excited that we made "witches brew" it was truly a highlight of the night.

Laira received some wonderful gifts from her friends and family. Thank You so much for your generosity. I think that the party was a hit and that she was happy.

Laira got a birthday package from her Grandma and Grandpa yesterday. She LOVES sea shells, and thinks that her Cat hat is pretty special and wears it all the time. Needless to say I think she is very happy. She loves her "Arizona Family" as she calls them very very much.

Thanks Grandma and Grandpa !!

My Grandma's Book

Any of my siblings and most of my Darrington cousins will recognize this book. My Grandma use to read us stories out of this book, voices and all. it is one of my most cherished memories of her.




My Grandma's copy of this book is well used, and literally falling apart and is in pieces. I decided to look online and see if I could find another copy of it. To my surprise I found one for 11.00 and it is in GREAT condition.



My girls are in absolute awe of the beautiful illustrations and are already loving the stories that are new. My favorite is "The 12 Dancing Princesses" and my girls are loving it too. I am ecstatic that I was able to find the book so that I can continue the tradition with my girls.

Today would have been my 8 year anniversary.

Now I started to let this pull me down into that dark corner of my self. Do you ever have moments where you feel like that scene in Lord of the Rings where Smegol and Gollum are arguing with each other but really its just an inward battle?

I had one of those myself today, and this is sorta how it went.

Smegol: Wow it has been 8 years

Gollum: Yes and 6 of those years have been lonely and terrible

S: Not everything has been terrible, there have been a lot of great times mixed in with the bad, its the balance of life.

G: Your life didn't have to be like this, he is the one who chose to leave, to break up the family. He deserves the unhappiness and you deserve to be the one in a fulfilling relationship.

S: Its not my place to wish unhappiness on anyone, My time just hasn't come yet.

There is a lot more that could be said but really I chose to take the good road. The one that is far less traveled by myself. I spent some quality time with my chickadees and listened to my "feel good" playlist on iTunes and it did indeed make me feel good.

I am happy, I am progressing and I do know that in the Lords time things will happen the way they are meant to. Until then I will continue to try to take the good road until it's the far more traveled.

And for you my friends some of my feel good music!



I LOVE LOVE LOVE Mindy Gledhill, not cause she is a friend of mine but because her music is so powerful.

October 5, 2001

8 years ago today I was finalizing last minute plans for my Wedding.

Today I am able to look back on my marriage with happy memories. I like to find those little memories and smile about them. I really should start writing them down for my kids. They love to hear stories about when they were little, especially stories with their Dad included.

I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned. I hope that if I get married again that I can use those lessons to cultivate a strong and happy marriage.

Motherhood

Today I learned 2 different bits of information that my brain was just having a hard time absorbing.

First my Dad and I were talking about Samoa and the Tsunami. He told me about a lady who's kids were playing on the beach and she stood there and watched helplessly as they were swept out to sea.

The next was the news that my old roommates niece passed away today from cancer. she was 9 and I don't think she even made it a year after they found it.

There are a lot of times that I sit and think about how easy my life would be if I didn't have the girls, if I didn't get married. If I would have done things better and been able to go on a mission, or have a college degree in something. I have learned that playing the coulda woulda shoulda game gets me nowhere but sad .

When I heard the first story I saw the terrified faces of my children in the ocean being pulled away from me.. and I cried. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and I knew I love my children more than anything in the world.

When I read my friends blog and read that her niece had passed away I cried again. Her poor poor family. It made me think about how Laira is almost 7 and what would I do if I knew she would be diagnosed with cancer at 9 and be gone before she hit 10? TIME is so short even when we live long and healthy lives. We never know when the wrinkles are going to show up and make that time go faster.

So I learned 2 very important lessons about Motherhood today.

1- I love my children , I need to show them that I do more often.

2- I don't know what the future holds so I better make every second count.


So now instead of playing the coulda woulda shoulda game I am going to be greatful for everything that I have. Especially the 2 little girls that God has trusted me to raise. I am going to be grateful for all the lessons my trials and hardships have brought me. I am going to learn from my mistakes so that I don't keep tripping on my own shoes. I am going to tell the people who mean a lot to me what they mean to me and how they have made my life better. I am not going to let a second go by where I am not grateful to be where I am.

Denae's first day of school

That's right, I've started school. I didn't get a spot in the afternoon class but there was an opening in the morning. My Mom was willing to help me out with the girls and so things have been running well so far.

I love my instructor, she has a great sense of humor and makes class fun. There is a very diverse selection of people in my class as well. There are some High School students that always make it interesting and I was surprised to find other people my age as well.

I am working on block 1 which is all medical terminology and it makes my brain hurt. I am ready to be done defining terms. But its all useful and will be good to know.

Needless to say I am excited to be back in school learning.

A Tale of 3 Tests

When I came to the prayerful decision to quit my job , I posed a question to myself. "What am I going to do with all the time" and then it hit me! I was like DUH! GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I knew I was going to go back to school eventually but I hadn't because I couldn't figure out what I was going to do next.

You see I have this Nursing School phobia, I am scared to get into it and not be able to hack it and then have to drop out and have all sorts of student loans and nothing to show for it. So I decided that I am going to take the baby steps version of life and see where it takes me. Its worked out pretty well for me so far. I have my CNA certificate and I enjoyed doing that till I couldn't enjoy it any longer. I am also a certified Phlebotomist, I LOVED MY JOB! Unfortunately working 12 hour graveyard shifts takes its toll. I had been stressing about this years school year, for a long time. With Laira in all day school and Bailey in half day kindergarten, I didn't know how I was going to get them to school and still get sleep. When I was working I was already pretty grouchy all the time this was just going to escalate things. So I prayed about it and felt I was suppose to quit my job, at first I was upset because I had worked so hard to get to where I was. I prayed again and it was clear that I was suppose to quit my job and put my little family first. So then to decide what would be best to go to school for, and I decided on Medical Assisting for many reasons, its basically the same hours as the girls school so it will be a better schedule all around.

I had a great experience at Mountain Land ATC getting my CNA so I decided to check out their program first. It must have been divinely inspired because the program hours fit perfectly with the only time both girls are in school. (although the class does start 15 minutes before Kindergarten.) Well to be able to register for any classes at MATC you have to take an assessment test.

This test tests your English reading comprehension and your Math skills. Anyone who really knows me knows that English is a strength and Math is my mortal enemy. I have NEVER been good at math it has always held me back and made me feel inadequate for many things. Well I went in to take the test, I breezed through the English and then got to the math. I did the best that I could. I got to the fractions and did them the way I thought I remembered to do them, but it never came out right. After the test I took my papers out to the lovely testing lady and she scored my test. She said "You did very well on the English, you only missed 2" and then she was silent for a long time, and that is when I knew I failed. But when she gave me the paper she said I only failed by 2 questions. That is a lot better than I thought I would do . So I went home and took the test review and studied. I watched some tutoring videos on youtube and I went back a week later and took it again. I was devastated when I missed it by 2 questions again.

She took me to talk to the admissions counselor and told me that there is a waver that they could sign that said I knew that I wasn't up to par but wanted to take the class anyways. The counselor told me she didn't want to sign the waver, I was so close and she wanted me to come back and take the test again. I was bugged but I also wanted to pass the test.

It took me longer to bounce back.. I think it was almost 3 weeks before I went back to take it again. but first I asked my Uncle for some help. He sat with me for at least an hour and a half helping me learn the best way to do Fractions, percents and decimals. I went in a couple of days later feeling prepared to take the test.

I signed in and the guy handed me the test, it was different from the one I took the last 2 times. I was worried but okay until I opened the test, It was a lot harder than the other one. I silently cried through the whole thing. I was sure I wasn't going to pass. I went though and did the best I could. when I got done I handed my paper to the lady and said "That was a really hard test" and she said "yes its the hardest one we have, but the good news is you can miss more" I stood there and cried while she scored the test, she was silent again. She picked up the paper , handed it to me and said "You passed" I lost it, I was bawling in the testing center.

I grabbed my paper and walked to the Counselors office, I asked if she had a second and she told me I had to make it quick. So I went in and put the paper on her desk and said "I passed" She jumped out of her chair and gave me a big hug. She told me she was proud of me and then she saw it was the hardest test, and had to hug me again. She said that I showed real dedication and perseverance. She told me I will do great in the class and I believed her.

The only catch is that the program is open entry open exit. So I have to wait for a someone to exit so I can enter. She told me that she things the Tuesday after Labor Day she will have some openings. So now I am just playing the waiting game, and getting use to having 2 girls in school. I am excited and terrified for school.

BRING IT ON!

Hiking the Y

34 years ago my Uncle was badly burned while he was repairing a car, he spent many weeks in a burn unit. This was all before I was born and by the time I could really notice the scars they had faded some. So to me that is just always how he has been, he doesn't have severe facial scarring but his neck and arms have scars. he also has scars from where they took grafts from his legs to put on his arms. He has always made a joke about his grafted skin, he would say if you pulled the hair on his knuckle it would hurt on his thigh because that is where the skin was originally from.

I often think about how challenging that time must have been for everyone involved. How amazing people are cultivated from heartache, pain and suffering.

My Uncle recently turned 60. In the last year he survived Quadruple bypass surgery cutting of part of a finger and moved into the same ward as the inspirational NieNie. He knows her story and even met her at church and was able to show her his scars. I hope that she was able to find some hope in the fact that things will get better with time.

Well while celebrating his Birthday it was mentioned that they were going to hike the Y Monday after dinner. My Uncle said "If Stephanie can do it, I can too" My girls had been asking to hike it as well so we decided to go along with my cousin and her kids.

My Uncle took things slow and steady, he didn't stop to rest often he just kept on trucking, He did an amazing job, it wasn't easy for him. But he never complained, he never wanted to give up, he just kept going one step at a time. He made it to the top.

After a couple switchbacks I was huffing and puffing. Eventually I made it to the top, but it wasn't easy and I was embarrassed. I like to blame things on my awful ankles because its easy and doesn't make me feel so bad. But the truth of it is, I let myself go and now I am paying for it.



Well no more. I decided that hiking the Y was my kick of to a new me. A healthy me. I have started to change my diet, and I currently play Softball once a week with friends. I am hoping to start walking progressing to running. I just need to take it slow and not over kill or I will give up.



So here it goes folks.. my public confession of laziness, and the "trail head" to my adventure to a new me one step at a time.

Bailey's First Day of Kindergarten

My sweet little "Pickle Princess" started Kindergarten today, she was so excited and told me in the car that she would be brave and always do her best.
I didn't even cry!

FIRST GRADE!

My lovely little Laira started her first full day of school today. I am so proud of her, she is so excited to get back to school and learn. Laira has such a sweet spirit and a tender heart.

She is also a poser!

PS, thanks Grandma and Jess for the super cute first day of school outfit!

Ye Haw!

We went to the Utah County Fair last night, it was alot of fun, the kids had a great time. We started out with the carnival rides. The kids had were excited to ride anything they could. Bryce, Matt, Laura and I went on this spinning ride and laughed till we cried. When it was over I was sure I was going to lose my dinner but I held up nicely, but felt sick most of the night.

Notice Bailey's super fake smile, Matt had one just like it when he was her age, I really hope we can get her to smile real before Kindergarten Pictures.

After the rides we walked around and looked at some of the animal buildings. We then made our way to the Rodeo arena, The girls are obsessed with horses right now so they loved every bit of it. We had cotton candy that made the girls a sticky mess, but who cares, we were at a Rodeo.

I tried to gets some pictures of the teams as they rode the bucking bronco's, there are a few good ones and a few blurry but pretty cool looking ones. I haven't quite mastered the action shot with my camera.

taking control

There are days when I feel like I am never going to make it. The depression and loneliness feel like they will swallow me whole. I spend those days crying and yelling. Today has been one of those days.

I decided to mow the lawn, it was getting pretty long. And our favorite mower Taylor has moved so now one of us has to do it so I thought might as well be me. So I got out my iPod and started mowing, it flowed through a few songs that I don't remember and then, a song from a long lost CD that I imported the other day came on. Now I am not one who totally loves all of Michael McLean's music ( I think some of it is far too cheesy) But when his song "you're not alone" came flowing out of my iPod I couldn't help but cry. I re-set the play list to play the whole album, hearing things I so needed to hear. Kicking myself for rationalizing my attendance at church yesterday and staying home. There is a line in that song that says "and when you cry, you're just letting go of heartache deep inside" and honestly after spending that time mowing and crying I am feeling much better.

I am always telling my bestest friend ever to try and focus on the things that she can control and not the things that she can't. Today I am trying to take my own advice. As easy as it has been to slip into darkness and let it over come me I am taking control. I am the one in charge of my own happiness. I am the one who chooses how to react to bad or hard things.

I find it alot easier to be happy when I surround my self with things that uplift and encourage good things. I am so thankful that Mindy has been my companion via my CD player and iTunes the last couple of months. Mindy was always full of sunshine and smiles in High School I am so happy that I can find the same thing in her amazing Music. I have also been reading an amazing book called "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox I suggest it to everyone!

So this is my pledge to take control of my happiness!

new beginnings

Today I did something I haven't done for a long time. I went to church, willingly and with a purpose. The funny thing about today was that normally I would feel like an outcast, like everyone was judging me. But today it felt like home, I was at peace. It was WONDERFUL!

I actually see light at the end of the tunnel. I went to the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house a couple of weeks ago. Never more have a craved to be able to go to the temple and feel the wonderful peace that dwells within.

I am going to need all the help and prayers I can get.

The girls are home!

one of the first things we did when the girls got back was went to get a snow cone... so yummy!

I gave the girls room a makeover while they were gone, they were pretty excited to see it when they got home.

There are lots more pictures from our trip to Declo for Declo Days, but I can't get them off of my camera right now. So they will come later.

I know that I haven't blogged about much, but not much has been blog worthy lately. But since its been a while I decided to blog.

I was at the store the other day and heard a man talking to someone else and going off about how worthless single mothers were. I don't remember the specifics of what he said but I was seething and really wanted to give him a peice of my mind. He talked about how they (single moms) lived off the government and how he was mad as hell that he was the one who had to pay for them to sit at home and have everything handed to them. Now I know that some people do this and he does have reason to be upset. I really wanted to march up to him and say " I guarantee that probably half of the single mom's in the world don't ask to be put in that situation." I am going to step up on my soap box now and tell you how I feel about this subject.

*steps on box*

I never in a million years thought I would be a single Mom. Did I contribute to him leaving, you betcha. But I can tell you that I fought tooth and nail to try and keep my husband when I found out that he wanted to leave. But I can also tell you that I am a better person now than I was then, I have learned lessons, grown and bettered my self for my children. Do I use the welfare system? Yes. Do I abuse it? NO!

Ok I won't ramble about this anymore.

I've decided to go back to school, continuing my education to make my self more accessable to my kids is my goal. I love my job and the people I work with but 12 hour graveyard shifts make it very hard to be a good mother. So I am going to go back and get my MA (medical assistant) so that I can work in a Doctors office, with stable hours during the time my girls are in school. I am excited to go back to school and can't wait to start learning.

My girls are coming home soon, in a couple of weeks but still soon. I can't wait.. I have missed them so much. But I am also so thankful to have such wonderful "ex family" for lack of a better term. They are all so good with my kids, patient, nurtuing and able to give them so much love! The girls adore them all so much. I can't express enough how thankful I am for the support they are to me.

There is alot going on in my life right now, most of it good. Some of it is going to be very hard but worth every bit of effort exherted to achive the goal. I am excited that I am moving a head in my life and working towards the best me I can be.

Thanks to all for the love and support!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAILEY!

I can't believe that you are 5 years old. The world wouldn't be the same with out you.
I love you so much!

A post about nothing inparticular

I'm sitting at work, watching "Henry Poole is here". Sunday nights at work aren't always the most exciting. So I have to find things to do to fill up the 12 hours of work. I finished reading my book today and so now I have to wait who knows how long until the next one in the series comes out. I love a series but I am not always the most patient person when it comes to waiting for a story to continue.

My kids left on Friday to visit family in Mesa for 2 months. They drove down with their Dad to Mesquite and are driving the rest of the way with Grandma and Grandpa Holt tomorrow. They were so excited to be going, they love to be with his family. I am grateful that they have so many people in their lives who love them.

Yesterday I went and saw the movie UP with my family. Since its a new movie I won't give away any of it. It was good. There were a lot of great one liners in it that my family and I have enjoyed quoting to each other. I did cry a couple of times. Which surprised me, but its still a great movie and is everything that you would expect from Pixar.

With my kids gone there is always a loneliness that I can't fill. I find my self missing people that normally I don't. Someone who lives far away on a little island, Someone who went away for the weekend, People who you are planning reunions with, People who use to be one way and are now another, People who are married and now have different lives. There seems to be an ebb and flow to friendships. I think as we phase through our lives there are the Friends that either pass with the phases or stick it out and are there for it all. And of course there is always family. They don't have a choice, they are always suppose to love and accept you.

Like I said, this is a blog about nothing. Alida says that my blogs about nothing are always interesting so this is for Alida. I hope that my nothing can be interesting for you.
Now its time for me to go put a needle in some poor patients arm.

Laira's Kindergarten Graduation

Here are pictures from Laira's Kindergarten Graduation. She did really well and was great doing the songs. I will post the short video my mom got of them singing when she gets it to me.

HOORAY for Laira who is now in 1st Grade. Did you know that in 1st grade you get 3 recesses and get to eat school lunch? Who knew it could be so exciting.

What happens....

...........when 2 little girls sneak out of their room after bed time and steal their Mom's camera.

This happens.

I love that Bailey is seemingly naked, that they both have kool-aid mustaches and that these are the only pictures with Bailey's stitches..sorta

A Tale of 3 Stitches

Well on Friday Bailey and I were playing around, Laughing, smiling, having a great time. She bounced around on the chair and climbed up onto the end table and readied herself to pounce on me. When she did she slipped out of my arms, this probably had something to do with the 'silky' princess nightgown that she had on. When she fell her chin connected with the edge of the end table. She cried, I went to pick her up and then saw the gap in her chin where previously a gap hadn't been. It didn't bleed very much but it had definitely split through the epidermis and was going to need stitches.

So with a rag under her chin, we went off to our favorite Dr. Nielson's office. Bailey not being a stranger to medical procedures and especially the dreaded IV knew something was up and begged me over and over to " please not let them use the sharp thing". After 4 people held her down and she was sufficiently numb the doctor closed her up with 3 little stitches or as we call them Magic band aids ( cause that sounds less scary according to her )

So my little one now has stitches, I am sure that this is just the most recent in a whole bunch of things that are still going to happen.

oh the joys of motherhood.

Wednesdays

Wednesdays are something I look forward to, Softball and Dodgeball. I play on a ladies softball team with some girls from high school and some other people I don't know very well but are a lot of fun. After my game I hurry over to Dodgeball with my brothers and the every growing PDA (Provo Dodgeball Association) Group. Tonight I only got to play for about 20 minutes but it was fun none the less.

But boy does all of this make me feel old and out of shape. I get so sore and tired after I play that I know I need to do better at taking care of my self. I went running this last week with my brother, it was good and bad. It was great to go with someone, and its hard to run with him and feel bad letting him down when its too hard and I have to walk. He wanted me to go with him again today but I didn't want to kill my self before my game tonight. I am sure he is going to ask me to go with him again.

My blogging has really been lacking. Mostly because there isn't really much to blog about. Well I guess I could tell you about how my girls cut each others hair on Tuesday while I was trying to get some sleep after work. But that makes me feel like a bad Mom. I would also tell you about the code blue at work on Monday night, but because of HIPPA I can't.

So I will try to think of some things that I CAN blog about and get back to you :)

The Soloist

It's not often you get to sit down after an introspective moment and write about it. Usually I am caught up in my surroundings and never get the chance to process what just happened.

I went to see the movie the Soloist. I won't ruin the movie but I will tell you its about Music, mental illness and the Homeless in LA , its very thought provoking. Its not a fast paced movie full of action or lots of CGI characters. It was made to give you the experience of walking in another persons shoes for a while. As we walked out of the theater my brother and I heard a girl say something close to " it was very boring, not like they made it look in the previews, it was very slow" I turned to my brother and said " She didn't get the message of the story at all did she" We then joked about how there weren't enough car chases or things blowing up to keep her entertained. Anyways...back on track...

Music has always been a powerful presence in my life. My parents, my Dad especially has always surrounded himself with music. I have memories of going to my Grandparents house and my Grandma always had 1400 KSTR blasting with classical music. I have countless memories of my Dad sitting in an recliner or laying on the floor with the music as loud as he dared take it, feet dancing to the beat and him often singing along. My Dad also introduced us to a large amount of Classical music. He would put on one song in particular (I am going to have to ask him the name of the song) and would lay on the floor, my siblings and I would march/dance around him in a circle, as the music would build and the tempo would increase so would our pace. Every so often my Dad would reach out and grab one of us and pull us down with him and we would all laugh and continue our dance anticipating the next lunge and grab from my Dad.

Because my Dad has music in his veins his children all have been quite musically cultured. Between my Dad's love for Classic Rock and my Mom's cravings for Country we experienced a lot of different kinds of music. (Except for the 80's that is one decade that I am still struggling to catch up on and find my own likes.) Music for me can say something much more fervently than words alone. Have you ever watched a movie with out the musical sound track? The scary scenes aren't as scary with out the shrill sound of a violin in the background. Music helps you feel things that you may miss. You can put so much emotion into music. I have a very eclectic musical library. My iTunes spans all generes, because I believe that there is a time and a place for all types of music.

In the movie tonight one of the main characters was able to not just hear the music, he could feel it. He knew that it was so much more than just a bunch of notes on a piece of paper that when played were aesthetically pleasing. They were someones emotions, someones sorrows, joy, pain or love. If you haven't experienced this, my heart aches for you. And its more than "feeling the spirit" during a musical number in Sacrament meeting.

So for this girl to say that it was a boring movie really bothered me, It made me wonder if we watched the same movie, if she was really that closed off to feeling. So tonight I am thankful for the childhood that I had, and the way that music runs in my veins as well. I hope I can teach my children, like my Dad taught me how music is an amazing thing that can get you through hard times and make the good times that much better.

Introducing....

Flower Cup the Snake

My sources tell me that she won't go anywhere with out Flower Cup. Which is not a surprise. I am interested to see how the other one reacts to Flower Cup since she is deathly afraid of snakes.

Gotta love the randomness of Bailey

the girls are on vaca

The girls are in Arizona visiting some of their favorite people in the world. I kinda like them too. They are great with my girls and do things with them that I wish I could do. Or that I had the patience or motivation to do with them.

These are some pics they have sent me over the last week. Laira loves pillows. apparently she told her aunt that she was uncomfortable so 5 pillows later she was good to go.. doesn't she look comfy?
This makes me giggle cause its classic Amber, but look wow.. they both have their hair done which doesn't happen often at our house.

Watermelon seeds

My brother and I are planting a garden, we've been allowed by the yard man himself to dig up some grass and make a garden. We went to Home Depot and bought some supplies and seeds to start our garden. They also had these little cups with seeds for kids and since I am a sucker I bought a pumpkin and a watermelon for my girls to grow. They were excited. they had the little pressed pellets of dirt in the cups so I had to put water in them and wait for them to expand before we could plant the seeds in them.

Yesterday Bailey wanted to play outside, so she went out there alone and just played. She came in and informed me that she had planted the watermelon seeds out in the back yard. I laughed and asked her where and she said in the back. I figured she had just planted them in my Dad's flower bed. So I had her go tell my Dad what she did, she was so proud of her self and told him with a beaming smile. My Dad explained to her that it might be too cold and they may not grow, she didn't care she was still just pleased with her self.

Later I was talking to my mom and she told me that she saw Bailey digging in the middle of the lawn and then watering it. So, we may have watermelon growing in the middle of the lawn this year. I am sure she will be so proud if they grow, my Dad ... not so much.


ALSO.. this is my 200th post.